If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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