I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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