if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize