I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
