She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
