I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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