You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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