He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
