You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
