She is in my trunk
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
