Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
