I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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