I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize