Little spoons don't ask big questions
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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