my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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