Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
