I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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