i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
