one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
