Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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