He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize