Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
