You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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