Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
