i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
