we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
