Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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