the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
