I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
