WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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