Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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