He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
