I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize