I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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