tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
