$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
