she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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