She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
