I didn't shave. On purpose
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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