how can u be prego again
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
