saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
