I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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