So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
