I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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