For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
