If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
