I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
