I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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