I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
