i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
A+ Viking dick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
