Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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