Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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