I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize