Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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