Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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