It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
